There is another psychic I need to tell you about. The summer before I moved into my house in cohousing I was in New Orleans for an amazing week. I figured it’d be fun to get a reading there in the main square in front of St. Louis Cathedral. The woman said that moving into cohousing would be a good thing for me. She also saw that I was very creative and that I needed to pursue that. I gave her all my excuses – how I”m a mother and can’t be poor again like before when I was trying a creative career. I told her how I pour that energy into the plays I write for my students to perform.
For many reasons I have been haunted by what she said. Of course I knew I was making excuses and I should be doing more of my creativity and feeding my fears less. I also thought that cohousing would release that creativity. I wanted to have an artist’s time – where we could all meet in the common house and pursue our arts – painting, music, writing, side by side. Somehow I never organized it. I also thought I’d hold an Artist Way group. Didn’t happen either. I did try to write on a play I’ve been working on forever about marriage and women in the religious right movement but sitting on the porch trying to read my notes, I got distracted by kids running by or talking with neighbors (another good distraction).
Now I”m haunted by what she said – moving to cohousing would be good for me. I also thought I’d be more healthy. Eating all that pure food that so many cohousers are into – all natural, vegetarian, vegan, etc. All it did was leave me hungry and snacking after common meal. Or that I would exercise more since everyone around me would be healthy. I did start walking every day with a neighbor but she got distracted by the kids and didn’t walk much. She also dropped me like a hot potato when the huge conflict blew up. I thought we were starting to be friends. So, once everyone treated me as the scapegoat, it actually did help my health. I had more time to cook and lots of time to exercise. I started biking every morning and walking long walks all over town to get away from them. Being a social pariah really helps keep you moving (out of there).
I’m still haunted that she said that cohousing move would be good for me. But now I think she did see something. It would lead to me being more physically active, cooking better, and stop making excuses about creativity. I have studied Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way book for years now. I know it’s true and it works. Excuses are just excuses. We all can be creative and some need it more than others, like me. For years people have told me how creative I am and that’s just where my mind goes, so why am I so scared?
Cohousing helped me. I saw how no one there was willing to speak up. No one said hey, neighbor, maybe don’t talk like that in front of her or about her. No one talked in front of the group how they really felt about the real problem (some did agree with me). It made me see that most people are chicken shits. So, why can’t I make it as an artist (writing, videos, radio, etc – not painting or drawing – I have less than zero talent).
The best part is being socially ostracized made me find new groups of people. I joined a class for women about upping our social esteem. I couldn’t believe all these strong, beautiful women felt bad about themselves. I realized we’ve been judged and criticized our whole lives – how else are most women supposed to feel? I also got to know the women and all of them had recently been treated badly by a group at work or a lover. Aha – that’s what happened to me!!!!!
Today I had a great talk with one of the women I met in that group. We’ve made our own group to keep the good vibes going. She is creative too and we are planning a few projects. I realized that this is what I was looking for in cohousing – my people! They weren’t there. I know there were some individual artists and I did befriend the ones that are practicing but the ones that muffle it are bringing everyone down. And that’s what everyone looks for in cohousing – their group, their people, belonging. You might find it, or you might not. Plus, any group can become toxic as a group so it’s a crap shoot. Since leaving there, I have found what I was looking for – creative friends.
So another psychic saw the future though it had more bumps than I imagined. That cohousing was not the place for me but it pulled the rug out from under me. No more excuses. I try to keep that social pariah feeling and jump on my bike and take walks (but now it’s not to run away from them but to take care of me). I am full speed ahead on quite a few projects and een choose a part time job so I can give this a real try. If a psychic says you should do something (like she told me to be creative) then you should listen.