I love you but not cohousing

Many a relationship has been strained by cohousing.  The heterosexual stereotype goes that women fall in love with cohousing, convince their husbands, and then sometimes they both move in and love it.  Then there are the couples that can’t agree on cohousing. They either never move in (like one of the people who wanted to buy my house, could never convince her spouse). Or, some even break up.

I really wanted cohousing. That wasn’t the only reason but my partner wasn’t into it, so we legally broke up and I was able to move in.  I have never said they were right about anything but on this one I let the world know – they were right. They knew it wouldn’t work out. I thought they were just being their usual pessimistic selves but it turns out they had experiences in intentional communities and how the expectations never seemed to jive with reality. They thought I would last two years. I laughed. But they are laughing now. I lasted 10 months.

The other break up I know of is way before commitment. Someone had committed to cohousing and buying a house. In the meantime they found themselves a sweetie. This sweetie was an introvert. They were in love but after visiting the community that almost had the other half’s house built, they broke off the relationship. It might have been true love and had a future but this lover had no interest in cohousing in the future. At all. End of relationship.  So, the cohouser moved in to their unit and now is single again.

What we do for love. What we do for cohousing.

About CJ

I was a Spanish teacher for 5 years in the Public School system in 3 different states. I homeschooled and taught at a democratic free school. I heard about cohousing in 2010 and wanted to move in right away. I met a group building one in 2018 and got to move in the summer of 2019. It only took a year to want out.
This entry was posted in downsizing, grief and grieving, lonliness or not, moving in and out of cohousing, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I love you but not cohousing

  1. Flower says:

    Even in suburbia people buy a house together with the intention and promise of staying together and then it all goes south. I’ve heard the stories of mainly women who purchased a home with a guy who they thought was committed to them and that they may one day eventually marry, only to split up or the guy walks out. Then they are left with the financial burden of a home to take care of and all that entails. I recall the story of a woman where this situation happened and it was during 2008 when the economy tanked. She couldn’t sell it and so rented it out until eventually the economy started to recover, but it took a long time.

    I imagine cohousing could be more problematic given that the appeal seems more of a niche situation and market.

    I conduct a lot of research and initially what I read sounded too good to be true. The PR and puff pieces made it sound much like a commune–60’s hippies and whatnot, although the comparisons are denied. At one time I was more idealistic. Then life taught me some harsh lessons and experiences that I didn’t want to recreate–once burned and all of that. I’m certain some people would label me a cynic or pessimistic but I see myself as a realist–lessons learned from the school of hard knocks.

    Maybe I didn’t see it and you covered it elsewhere on your blog, but I do wonder what initially attracted you to cohousing, how long ago that was and if you did a lot of research as well.

  2. CJ says:

    Great question! I did lots of research but only found the positive. That’s why I wanted to have an honest blog to show my life living it, not realizing I’d go so dark!!! I just wrote a long post answering your question and finding old blog posts I never had published. If you subscribe it should show up, if not, it’s today 5/7/22 post. I too now have learned hard lessons and don’t think I’ll trust a group so easily nor want to be subject to one. Just regular neighbors is fine.

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